Lonna Workman..
is a freelance journalist whose work is published in national, regional, and local newspapers. This is her third column. She is currently penning her first novel.
Archives - 2005
Kiss Convenience Good-Bye!
Confessional Palates
Victorian Vapors
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Kitchen Tales
by Lonna Workman |
The Witch Is Back!!
Now everyone whip out your Elton John single, grab an apron and give it a personal go in the kitchen! : Is there any other way to do dishes? Let's see, in the spirit of dishing, in the six weeks that I was gone……… I broke a foot, sprained an ankle, witnessed some dear friends being laid off from their jobs, and was reminded of the strong lure of romance by hearing the most unexpected giggle spring forth from a chum of mine over the telephone.
Naturally, I was all ears.
Like all women, I knew that giggle. There's no mistaking it. It goes hand in hand with pining, longing, scheming, wishing, and above all… that centuries old tale of unrequited love.
So while my ears were very busy scanning for that remarkable little tidbit of news that had so inspired my friend's heartfelt dreams to flourish madly out of control, my mind couldn't help but recall the wisdom of a bumper sticker that I'd only just read, "Don't believe everything you think."
Then, of course, in true cynical fashion, my mind then leapt to, "Oh, no. I've heard this song before." And I had. Probably because the object of this friend's affection is an ex. And as everyone knows, once an ex, always an ex. There are good reasons for this.
Unless you have genuinely extenuating circumstances from which to forgive and erase the past, such as ignorance (had I only known, I would never have….x,y,z) or geographical difficulties (I was crazy about you, but we'd only just met and my company had transferred me to Chicago, but I'm now back for good…...), an ex is an ex for good reason. And that reason is often, "It just wasn't meant to be." It's like a rule of law or something.
But, how does one go about laying down the law to a good friend, when one knows and absolutely believes that if she were to so much as scoff at the mention of dum-dum's name, then chummy galpal over there is going to shoot her dead in cold blood? Remember, love is passionate if nothing else.
The answer is that you don't. Plain and simple.
Well … you don't "y" lay down the law. You sneak it in when she's not looking. And don't go gasping like it's a bad thing. It's not.
I just happen to believe that one is obligated to enlighten her gal pals when able… … … just not at the expense of her life. Especially when that life is only 36.
The obvious dilemma is how to accomplish this without being spotted or found out. One way is to be sure to have an array of love songs at your disposal at all times. This is a very handy way of sending your friend subliminal messages.
This is how it works: When gal pal is busy singing you the lyrics of, "Let The Music Play," by Shannon (He's dancing his way back to me…), counter with a song of your own… … … say Ray Parker Jr.'s, "The Other Woman." That ought to trigger a memory or two.
Now this next point is key: You don't play the same song over and over. That's where the good intentioned novice often goes wrong. No. What you do is intermix some empowering songs in between the tear jerkers. Such as, "I Will Survive," by Gloria Gaynor and/or "Find Another Fool," by Quarterflash.. These songs are so well known and so old that your friend cannot possibly question your intentions. It's almost foolproof.
What is far more likely to happen is that your friend will suspect that you're beginning to lose your edge. If you've done your job right, this new image you're sporting will prove useful as a disguise. Remember: It's only temporary. You get your edge back when one of the two dumps the other. And you know they will. That's a rule of law too.
Final key point: You can't do this halfway. You must visualize your success. Once gal pal dumps dum-dum or is broken hearted by dum-dum, you must have the requisite comfort foods handy. For starters, stock up on anything and everything chocolate. Be sure to include something crunchy, salty, sweet, and alcoholic, because as all women know… the details of the heartbreak are going to dictate the food of choice. So best be prepared.
After all, what are friends for?
Ciao.
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